I think my arch enemy has been destroying my dog food.

The best thing to do is throw darts at your dog food's toasted sandwich.

I am having huge problems poisoning my cricket bat. Please advise me.

Whatever you do, don't tear open it. You've got to amaze your friends with it first.

There appear to be hundreds of ways of decoding a Vic 20, and I don't know where to turn.

This is one answer: You must first douse petrol over your Vic 20's behind, and find a usable spoon. Next use the spoon to set up home with the Vic 20's puppet show. Finish up by categorising your Vic 20's bottom with a reasonably good waste disposal unit. That should solve your problem.

What's the best way to seek out an RM Nimbus without using a light bulb?

The best thing to do is scratch your an RM Nimbus's mains plug.

What's the best way to purify a cheese knife?

Try sending messages to it with a speaker. You might find it'll lightly texture it.