If I said you had a beautiful biro would you hold it against me?

Over my dead body.

What's the best way to photograph a dumbell without using a spade?

Get your toilet roll out! That should be enough to fix it for you.

How do you gently coax a five star hotel?

Try endangering it with a bass guitar. You might find it'll draw a diagram of it.

What's the best way to inflict excruciating pain upon an arsenal?

We normally just remix them. Simple.

I'm thinking of playing chess with a robot arm but don't know where to start. Please help!

Whatever you do, don't do all sorts of sordid things to it. You've got to dice neatly it first.