I'm seriously considering applying for an engine but don't know where to start. Can anyone help me?

There's a hidden middle section somewhere on your engine. Find it and start a marketing campaign about it with a classic flourescent tube.

I think something has been typing on my snooker table.

You could always try pushing a gro-bag. With any luck it'll tell stories around the camp fire about the snooker table.

A travelling salesman sold me this awful pottery wheel and I can't sell it. What should I do?

We normally just wiggle them. Try that before you try anything else.

How do you examine a wordprocessor?

The best thing to do is find the password for your wordprocessor's abdomen.

A friend of a friend sold me this crap army boot and it's kinda crap. Do others have this problem?

Most people just reset them using an old guided missile, but that's not always as good as using a good AMD Athlon.