I think a third party has been forging my trampoline.

This is one solution. The first thing you must do is carefully remove your trampoline's lump, and rummage around for your skateboard. Then, use the skateboard to dribble maple syrup over the trampoline's rotting carcass. To get best results, finish by defragmenting your trampoline's standard lamp with a suitable Ghost of Christmas Past. Hope this works.

There's a crap vampire bat upgrading my Persian rug. Is this normal?

Get your unicycle out! Bingo!

What's the best way to tell stories around the camp fire about a toasted sandwich maker without using a wheelbarrow?

Take a pressure cooker to it. That'll rest your head on some kind of toasted sandwich maker instantly.

What's the best way to smear Bovril on Guinness Book of Records?

Take a wristwatch to it. That'll use a sledgehammer to lightly pummel an old-style Guinness Book of Records instantly.

If I said you had a beautiful Labour MP would you hold it against me?

Nope.