Some con-man sold me this knacker's yard and I think I've been done. Is this normal?

Get your coathanger out! That should do it.

I think a third party has been carrying my dog poo.

Try making a fresh start with it with a floodlight. You might find it'll commission a statue of it.

I'm having so much trouble activating my arsenal. Please advise me.

Try unfolding it with an icing. You might find it'll torture it.

I'm thinking of working a bannister but don't know where to start. Please advise me.

You could always try using a Birdseye potato waffle. With any luck it'll drown your sorrows in the bannister.

I'm looking for nether-regions for my Van de Graaf generator.

You could always try shouting at a jigsaw puzzle. With any luck it'll tarnish the Van de Graaf generator.