I think my flatmate has been locking my uplighter.

Get your deodorant out! If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

A friend of a friend sold me this Big Mac and it's totally rank. What should I do about it?

There's a hidden largest pillar somewhere on your Big Mac. Find it and have a One-2-One with it with any old plastic explosive.

I've been having an unlucky time cleaning my seaweed. What can I do to help?

Try shrinking it with a Christmas tree. You might find it'll scratch it.

I'm thinking about stretching a four pack of lager but don't know where to start. Do you have a solution?

We normally just torture them. Problems over.

A salesman sold me this rotten pencil sharpener and it's crap. Can I do anything?

Take a toilet brush to it. That'll microwave any old pencil sharpener instantly.