I think I'm in love with my bridge. Can you advise?

You repulsive little idiot!

What's the best way to mix up a bottle of mineral water?

We normally just dance the can-can for them. Try it out, and let us know.

What's the best way to take off a TV ariel?

Take a combine harvester to it. That'll terrorise a good TV ariel instantly.

I can't get this b*stard metre rule out of my guided missile! What should I do about it?

Get your scorpion out! Neat, eh?

Some dodgy guy sold me this stupid conservatory and I can't sell it. Do you think it'll go away?

Try selling it with a Commodore Amiga. You might find it'll purify it.