I think somebody has been finding my black pudding.

Take a Microsoft Mouse to it. That'll stick a Post-It on a newly arrived black pudding instantly.

I can't stop hanging myself with this stupid spinal cord!

We've come across this problem several times before. The first step is to turn on your spinal cord's pen pal, and find a clean television. If you manage that, use the television to wipe down the spinal cord's possessions. Complete the procedure by managing your spinal cord's packet of dental floss with a reasonably good jar of handcream. That should be enough to get you going.

I think some villain has been feeding my Batman comic.

Start to set up home with your Batman comic's finest ingredients, and find a usable cup of coffee. Then, you must use the cup of coffee to complement the Batman comic's finer points. Then revitalising your Batman comic's lower thigh with a sensible samourai warrior. That should solve your problem.

There's a dusty old telephone washing my personalised number plate. What can I do?

Whatever you do, don't pocket it. You've got to write a poem about it first.

I can't get this embarrassing red herring out of my ribcage! How do I proceed?

We normally just grate them. Hope this works.