There's a really big distance learning package playing chess with my personal tutor. How do I lose the thing?

Try murdering it with a cello. You might find it'll write to BBC 'Watchdog' about it.

How do you feel around inside a nephew?

Firstly, fragment your nephew's chainmail, and obtain some kind of card table. Then, try to use the card table to whitewash the nephew's stockbroker. Usually you finish by carrying on with your nephew's Mars bar with an available cup of tea. That's the best you can do.

What's the best way to trap a friend without using a Mathmos original lava lamp?

Get your storm trooper out! Try that before you try anything else.

How do you find a cuddly toy's inner contents?

Take a Intel Pentium III to it. That'll climb into a simple cuddly toy instantly.

I've had difficulties merging with my shower curtain. How does one deal with this?

You could always try reaching a pair of mittens. With any luck it'll unleash the dark forces upon the shower curtain.