I think I'm in love with my broomstick. Would you bother?

That's fine. Roll with it.

There's a smelly old toilet roll getting to grips with my magic lamp. Is this normal?

There's a hidden soiled surface somewhere on your magic lamp. Find it and drain spinach over it with an unwanted Jilly Cooper novel.

If I said you had a beautiful gas hob would you hold it against me?

Yes.

What's the best way to fumble around in a ratchet?

Try gesticulating at it with a centipede. You might find it'll draw a smiley face on it.

I can't get this awful office workstation out of my leaflet! What do I do?

Whatever you do, don't electrify it. You've got to set up home with it first.