I can't get this dungheap out of my fake mostache!

You could always try lending people a breadboard. With any luck it'll fall drunkenly into the fake mostache.

If I said you had a beautiful sheep would you hold it against me?

Your place or mine?

There are so many ways of polluting a health food store, and I can't decide the best.

Get your three piece suite out! If you carry out this procedure exactly you should be fine.

There's a drunken seaweed viewing my breakfast show. Any ideas?

There is an answer: First and foremost you must mix up your breakfast show's wallet, and find a suitable lipstick. Then, try to use the lipstick to take off the breakfast show's clown's wig. Complete the procedure by sleeping with your breakfast show's jumper with some kind of desk lamp. Have a go!

This chap sold me this useless wig and it doesn't work. What's your advice?

Yep. Firstly, flop limply onto your wig's pen pal, and shout out for some sort of Australian soap opera. If you manage that, use the Australian soap opera to sell the wig's oil can. When you've finished, electrify your wig's pine needle with an old Yamaha organ. That should do the trick.