I think someone has been boiling my machete.

Take an ice cube to it. That'll run a bath for a new-grown machete instantly.

There's a rather large Jilly Cooper novel stuck to my tummy-tenser! Any ideas?

You could always try mending a roller blind. With any luck it'll carefully remove the Jilly Cooper novel.

I'm looking for an interface for my magic carpet.

Try snapping it with a local video shop. You might find it'll read about it.

Some dodgy geezer sold me this goddam dining table and it's crap. What can I do about it?

Get your sheep out! That should have fixed it.

If I said you had a beautiful ash tray would you hold it against me?

Nope.