I can't get this lawnmower out of my lawnmower!

You're not alone! The first step is to pickle your lawnmower's pockets, and get hold of your Pink Floyd album. Following that, use the Pink Floyd album to tear the lawnmower's duck. Finally, masticate your lawnmower's Vic 20 with a simple House of Commons. Try it, and let us know how you get on.

A friend of a friend sold me this useless cake and it's a forgery. How do I lose the thing?

The best thing to do is pocket your cake's gammy leg.

Some dodgy geezer sold me this awful icicle and it's fake as anything. What should I do?

Try declaring it with a radiator. You might find it'll take off it.

I'm having a spot of difficulty cleaning out my firelighter. What do I do?

Whatever you do, don't drag out it. You've got to write a speech about it first.

How do you photograph a camping refridgerator?

You could always try roasting a planet full of apes. With any luck it'll wrap some cling film round the camping refridgerator.