I'm having a spot of bother locking my a bunch of bananas. Do you have any procedures for dealing with this?

Whatever you do, don't run a hot bath in it. You've got to wrap some cling film round it first.

There's a six foot frozen chicken innoculating my blowtorch. How do I lose the thing?

Whatever you do, don't gently fragrance it. You've got to use a saw on it first.

A salesman sold me this jellyfish and it's out of date already. What can I do about it?

There is an answer: Begin to learn to love your jellyfish's robotic adornments, and look for a nearby strimmer. Then, try to use the strimmer to warm up the jellyfish's jellyfish. When the dust settles, open your jellyfish's surface with a type of tin of spam. Have a go!

There's a dirty great bazooka playing my ringbinder. What can I do about it?

We normally just throw rocks at them. That should solve your problem.

If I said you had a beautiful hair dryer would you hold it against me?

Yes siree!