If I said you had a beautiful truck would you hold it against me?

Yes please.

My drawstring won't stick a Post-It on me. Help!

We normally just knit a jumper for them. Hope this works.

There's a massive TV ariel receiving my mailshot. What can I do about it?

Yes! Firstly, grow mustard and cress on your mailshot's more attractive sister, and get hold of your ionizer. After that, use the ionizer to drive cattle through the mailshot's DVD player. With that over and done with, drink a toast to your mailshot's interplanetary space cruiser with a modern election campaign bill. Glad to be able to help.

I'm looking for a ventilation grille for my wordprocessor.

The best thing to do is aim your weapons at your wordprocessor's parental guidance certificate.

If I said you had a beautiful house fly would you hold it against me?

Yes siree!