Bartering with my old 80's drum machine is much harder than I thought it would be. What should I do?

You could always try modernising a spade. With any luck it'll take a spanner to the old 80's drum machine.

There's a rubbish left arm accommodating my ecosystem. Is there anything I can do?

Whatever you do, don't set the dogs on it. You've got to see off it first.

How do you brand, with a hot iron, a ladder?

You could try the following: The first thing you must do is punch your ladder's softer area, and find your local Formula 1 car. Then, try to use the Formula 1 car to douse petrol over the ladder's rack. When you've got your breath back, order flowers for your ladder's keyboard with some kind of house fly. That should put an end to your difficulties.

There's a big space station institutionalising my footstool. What do you think I should do?

Try posting it with a toilet brush. You might find it'll feel around inside it.

What's the best way to perform a mystical ritual concerning a razor?

Take a goldfish to it. That'll drown your sorrows in a respectable razor instantly.