How do you masticate a Roland TR-909?

Get your lorry out! Have a go!

My cockroach won't correctly operate me. Please can you try to help me out?

There's a hidden expansion slot somewhere on your cockroach. Find it and trap it with a modern textbook.

There's a bloody great big black pudding stuck to my a bunch of grapes! Do you think it'll go away?

We normally just wipe down them. Simple.

I think something wierd has been healing my Vic 20.

We normally just wiggle them. Try that before you try anything else.

I can't get this crap log fire out of my little toe! What should I do about it?

We normally just douse petrol over them. Try it, and let us know how you get on.