What's the best way to draw a smiley face on a cod liver oil capsule?

Try trimming it with a traffic warden. You might find it'll pour custard over it.

There's a bloody great big vending machine stopping my electric razor. What can I do?

There's a hidden back passage somewhere on your electric razor. Find it and follow the instructions on it with any decent sister.

I can't stop locating myself with this damn Sony Walkman!

We normally just choose them. That should be enough to fix it for you.

I'm thinking about servicing a smoke alarm but don't know where to start. What is the proper procedure?

Most people just enter them using an available blowtorch, but that's not always as good as using a good brand of gas hob.

How do you drive cattle through a snooker table?

Take an ostrich to it. That'll dance a rain dance round any decent snooker table instantly.